By Dr. Kristen Barnes-Holiday, Ph.D.
Yesterday, I questioned the realness of God.
Not literally yesterday, but yester-year when my life was in shambles, and I was studying the Word, dissecting many truths that I had come to know over three decades of my life. I had known God to be Him, He, my Heavenly Father and through my studies and careful –albeit guarded – reflection, I discovered that God was actually un-gendered, without gender. What a surprise.
Yesterday, I questioned the realness of God.
I had grown up developing an intimate relationship with the White Jesus as He was plastered over the Catholic Church where I frequented mass every Friday, as a part of my learning and faith journey at my Catholic elementary school. I had grown accustomed to conceptualizing, and honestly idolizing the school priests as miniature gods here on earth. Through my tiny lens, they could not do anything wrong and they did not do anything wrong; they were some of Gods favorites. I minimized, and oftentimes silenced, my father’s critique, identifying them as men, and further preaching that they were flawed, with shortcomings that I might not ever witness.
Yesterday, I questioned the realness of God.
As I lay in my bed crying with the curtains drawn, the television off and just me and my tears. My family was scattered, non-existent within my everyday life, and my best friend, also known as my sister, was becoming a distant memory. Where was God in the midst of my chaos and trauma? Did God hear my cry? Meet me in the midst of my anxiety? Clean my name and restore my integrity? Did God even exist amongst good and evil? And did God pick a side?
Yesterday, I questioned the realness of God.
As a childless mother birthed a stillborn and children died of hunger. As a reformed man suffered an agonizing death from lethal injection. As federal policies shifted, were discarded, and many people suffered at the hands of a new regime. As my history was manipulated, and some might even argue erased. As violence infiltrated so many communities, leaving lives lost, families torn apart and folks forced to start over, creating new beginnings.
Yesterday, I questioned the realness of God.
As I was told to never ask questions. As I was often reminded that everything happens for a reason. As I self-instructed that the infamous “why me?” should be replaced by “why not me?” God always had a plan. And bad meant that good was coming. Didn’t God tell me that God would give me double for my trouble? Or was I misinterpreting?
Yesterday, I questioned the realness of God.
Because I now knew that I could. God has answers but God also welcomes my questions. God is mystical–a mysterious figure–that meets me in the midst of my confusion, doubt and even fears. God has given me and you autonomy to live life on our own terms, and even still, God walks our personalized journeys with us. God hears my whys. God hears my cries. God joins me as I strategize. God is always by my side, despite my shortcomings, what others might perceive as abominable. God has all the answers to my whys.
Yesterday, I questioned the realness of God.
Today, I know better and I’m here to guide as my brethren looms in the shadows doubting the validity of God.
Dr. Kristen Barnes-Holiday, Ph.D., is a professor of English at Wayne County Community College District, a third-year divinity student at Duke University, and a Christian blogger. In addition, she is a teacher, preacher, and lifelong student of the Word of Jesus Christ.
