I was recently interested in a guy that shared, “in the kindest way possible,” he just wanted to be single. The indirect “it’s not you, it’s me” rejection forced me to reach out to a close friend to unpack my frustration.
“It’s not even about him,” I sighed into the phone, my irritation thick in the silence. “I’m just tired of being single.”
Let me tell you; I have been single for so long that I’m professionally single at this point. If I were smart, I would have established a business as an independent contractor by now. Just think – I’m the poster child for “Your Lit Single Aunts,” and I spend my days getting paid to travel the world on sponsored vacations. Sounds amazing, right? But I digress…
“Weeell,” my friend responded, the added emphasis guaranteeing she was about to hit me with some bullshit. “Emotionally unavailable people tend to attract emotionally unavailable people.”
“Emotionally unavailable people,” I asked scratching my head. “What does that even mean?”
According to Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT in Psychology Today, there are two types of emotional unavailability – temporary and chronic. People who are temporarily unavailable have had a traumatic love experience, or find other obligations – education, family, and a career – a higher priority than relationships. People who experience chronic unavailability usually deal with mental illnesses, and emotional scarring from troubled childhoods.
Are you either of these? Let’s find out:
- Do you curve dates because time at home alone, or working sounds more appealing?
- Is keeping your options open more ideal than a monogamous relationship?
- Do you avoid relationships altogether because you’re scared you will get hurt?
- Do you normally associate relationships with pain and heartbreak?
- Were you raised in a household where people rarely shared their feelings?
If you answered yes to any of the above, then I’m sad to report that you are emotionally unavailable on some level. But there is hope! Try out talk therapy with a therapist, or your close friends. Not possible? Journal your thoughts. Too soft? Deepen you’re strongest relationships that are preexisting, and let them teach you, love.
If you’re like me and you find yourself reconsidering the dating game, you have to be sure you aren’t carrying unnecessary weight in your heart. Detox your demons. The relationship will be more fulfilling and safe once both parties are emotionally available, supportive and present.
