Multi-hyphenate author Tamela Todd talks boundaries in her new mental health book.
Photos provided by Tamela Todd
If you have trouble saying “no,” Tamela Todd wants to have a word with you.
The Detroit-based certified mental health coach knows a thing or two about setting boundaries all while caring for her mental health, which she isn’t playing around with.
“She knew this transition was not about becoming someone better but about finally allowing herself to become who she’d always been. Your mental health is non-negotiable,” Todd wrote on her Instagram page recently, which also accompanies a video of her donning a cream beret and black lace top as she puts on a cream jacket preparing for the day.
“You’ll find me fighting stereotypes surrounding mental health and the stigmas associated with it,” she wrote in another post
Preparing for the day, every day, is something she does with intentionality in her sharp dress and even sharper mentality.
As the owner of The Tamela C. Todd LLC Brand, the author, mental health coach and speaker recently released her latest book and course, “Healthy Boundaries: How to Say NO Without Feeling Guilty.”
“To protect their property, homeowners put up fences,” Todd writes. “This often discourages intruders from entering or destroying the land and home. If you are willing to protect your physical property by putting up fences, why are you not willing to put up boundaries to protect yourself?”
Todd says that boundaries are “invisible fences” for one’s emotional, mental and physical wellbeing and if boundaries are not set up, people can easily “infringe on your rights and make you feel disrespected.”
“Unfortunately, many people are clueless about how to set up boundaries and feel that setting boundaries makes them bad people,” Todd said, adding that “this could not be further from the truth.”
“In contrast, setting boundaries allows you to be better respected and creates healthier and happier relationships with those around you,” she said, adding that her guide looks at the key factors for setting healthy boundaries.
“We begin by defining boundaries and learning how to set them,” she said. “Then, we look at boundaries within your dating life, family, work and yourself. After that, we address people who resist your boundaries and learn how to measure the success of your boundaries.”
Todd, who also started a mental wellness movement, “My Mental Health is NON-Negotiable,” promotes the importance of taking care of yourself first.
“I help women turn their emotional trauma into healthy habits and behaviors through my online group coaching programs,” she said adding that releasing yourself from people-pleasing practices is an important step. “Even when some people don’t like what you do, they will likely still respect you for standing up for what you believe in. Boundaries also generate safety in personal and business relationships. When your privacy is respected, you are more likely to feel heard, validated, and appreciated.”
Todd told the Michigan Chronicle that the guilt behind saying “no” comes from believing that “prioritizing oneself over others is wrong.”
“People who say yes to everyone without considering their own needs first normally are drained and overwhelmed in their personal and business relationships,” Todd said.
Friends and family and partners are important anchors in one’s life that help during rough patches and vice versa. But what happens when your loved ones go overboard and emotionally “dump” their problems on you and you’re not in the proper headspace to help? As difficult as it can be, it’s important to set those boundaries to protect your emotional fences.
Babita Spinelli, licensed psychotherapist and psychoanalyst in private practice in New York City and Northern New Jersey, said that the pandemic has made it harder than ever to set boundaries in relationships and work.
“If you don’t set boundaries, you end up doing a lot of things you don’t want to do and other people end up draining a lot of your energy and time,” Stephanie Roth Goldberg, a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist and founder of Intuitive Psychotherapy NYC, told The Healthy.
It can also have serious repercussions on your relationships.
“When we have unhealthy boundaries, we end up feeling like we have to hold everyone else’s feelings but our own, and that leads to resentment, anger, anxiety, depression and stress,” said Spinelli. On the flip side, setting boundaries—and not allowing others to make decisions for us or dictate how we feel—is empowering, she said.
For more information visit www.tamelatodd.com.
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