As children become adolescents, they’ll likely become more curious and have more questions about sex and sexuality.
And, while your child may have learned some sex education basics in their school health class, they may not have learned—or understand—all they need to know to make good choices about sex.
As a parent or guardian, that’s where you come in. It may feel awkward and uncomfortable but teaching your child about sex is your responsibility.
If you openly and honestly address your child’s thoughts and questions about sex as early and honestly as possible, you can build a foundation of healthy sexuality and relationships.
Start “The Talk” early and often
The “birds and the bees” talk shouldn’t be a one-time conversation. Try a layered approach, like making a peach cobbler. Start with one topic, then come back and talk about another.
The earlier you can begin discussing sex and sexuality, you can build a foundation that will help your pre-teen or teen for life.
Thinking about your child’s age and level of understanding, here are some developmentally appropriate topics to cover:
- 2 to 4-year-olds: This is an excellent time to discuss the correct terms for private parts.
- 4 to 5-year-olds:Children this age can learn about boundaries and what is and is not appropriate to touch. They should understand that they have a say over what happens to their bodies, and no one should touch them without their permission. You can also start discussing how a baby is born, but you don’t have to give all the details.
- 5 to 6-year-olds: Now is the time to expand on your initial discussions and explain how mom and dad made them with sperm and egg. Again, you don’t have to give every detail. Make sure your conversation is developmentally appropriate.
- 6 to 8-year-olds: This is an excellent time to explain that relationships and families differ. For example, some friends may have two moms, and others have two dads.
- 9 to 11-year-olds: Children may start to get curious about pornography and should learn that pornography is not the most realistic portrayal of a healthy relationship. You should also talk about puberty and changes in their bodies, sexual choices, gender, and sexual orientation. It’s also an excellent time to discuss consent again.
- 14 to 16-year-olds: By this age, many young people are thinking about trying things out or have started experimenting sexually. This is the time to cover the basics of contraception, sexually transmitted infections, and the relationship of alcohol and drugs to their ability to consent.
- 16 to 18-year-olds: It’s time to empower your older teen to take on their sexual healthcare and healthcare in general. If they are in sexual relationships, it’s also crucial for them to take on the responsibility of getting screened for infections and using protection to prevent pregnancy.
Other tips for talking to your child about sex
- Have conversations around everyday moments. Look for everyday moments to start conversations about sex — social media, television shows, movies, billboards, ads, etc.
- If your teen is thinking about having sex, have them consider these questions:
- What do you know about them/their background?
- Are you fully protected against infection or pregnancy?
- Do you know your partner’s sexual history?
- Is this a healthy and positive relationship that’s consensual?
- Will you feel ashamed or guilty later?
- Reassure your child that people mature at different rates and may also have different views on who they’re attracted to. Many young people struggle with their sexual and gender identity or wonder if they’re normal. You must reassure your child that they’re okay and that you love them and are going to be there for them—no matter what.
Teach your children to respect choices related to consent. Sometimes what starts as a ‘yes’ can become a ‘no.’ So, it’s essential to have open communication with their partner about their comfort level and how they are feeling.