This post was originally published on Word In Black.
Grief is something everyone identifies with. The scientific definition might not emerge at the moment, but everyone can immediately identify with loss on some level. To have had something valuable in one moment and in the next, to have it taken away. A loved one. A relationship. A precious pet. Or maybe a job. Or a house. Some of us have even experienced the loss of youth or a dream.
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No matter the loss, it’s exponentially difficult to endure during a holiday season — a time when the best of our humanity surfaces, a time when we try to ensure everyone is filled with joy — a time when we try to ensure everyone’s needs are met. Not only do we feel the loss, we feel guilty for our feelings and fear we’re diminishing others’ happiness.
Time to consult a professional. Dr. Jesaira Glover-Dulin, a licensed counselor, professional coach, and corporate trainer, said, “The grief relationship is a complicated one. While the grieving process is not a cookie cutter journey, typically the first year around the holidays tends to be extremely hard.”
Word In Black: Should people expect specific feelings? Or lack thereof?
Jesaira Glover-Dulin: Some might feel sadness, anger, guilt, numbness or relief. Because the presence of grief can feel like a tumultuous wave, I encourage my clients to “ride the wave.” Sometimes, this includes allowing yourself to feel sad or angry. A great strategy to manage these types of emotions is to visualize the emotion as a wave at its beginning, peak, and end. Taking deep breaths while riding out this emotion can help. Grief is often intrusive, so it can be helpful to know that grief can catch you off guard. I also suggest my clients create a plan of action to support them along the way. It might be helpful to commemorate the deceased loved one by cooking their favorite dish so that they feel “close” to them. I encourage clients to trust their instincts in these moments even when it is uncomfortable because the presence of grief does pass.
WIB: Is there a common reaction? For women? For men? For children.
JGD: Women often feel pressure to hold everything together, especially during the holidays. This can lead to burnout or feeling resentful. Some may find themselves overly reflective or deeply emotional. Men may feel compelled to “stay strong” or avoid openly grieving, focusing instead on problem-solving or distractions. This doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving deeply.
Children’s grief often surfaces in waves. They may appear fine one moment and devastated the next. Their behavior might regress (bedwetting, clinginess) or change in unusual ways (withdrawal, aggression). They process grief differently at different developmental stages.
WIB: How can family members best support children who are going through this?
JGD: When it comes to helping a child through grief, creative expression is always a good strategy to support them. Parents can encourage their children to paint, color, draw, and play. Also, I would encourage parents to cultivate an environment that normalizes talking about the deceased loved one. You can ask questions like, what do you miss about —-? If the child wants to talk…it’s always best to let them. When children grieve, the key is communication and consistency.
Additional tips:
- Be Honest But Age-Appropriate: Explain the loss using clear, simple language. Avoid euphemisms like “passed away,” as they can confuse younger kids.
- Invite Questions: Let children express their thoughts, even if their questions are difficult to answer. It’s OK not to have all the answers.
- Create Routines: Familiar holiday traditions can offer comfort, but adjust them to reflect the absence of the loved one. Invite children to participate in new rituals to honor their memory.
- Validate Their Emotions: Let them know it’s OK to cry, laugh, or feel angry. Share your feelings, too, so they see it’s natural to grieve
WIB: How do we know when to help a loved one or to back off?
JGD: It’s always best to observe body language and to check in with your family members. If your family member does not want to talk about nor engage in any activity about the deceased loved one. Respect their space and request. Do not enforce or impose your ideas upon them.
WIB: Do you have other specific suggestions to help get through unscathed, or at least, to survive?
JGD: The holidays don’t have to be “perfect.” Focus on what feels nourishing and supportive.
- Create a Memory Ritual: Light a candle, share stories, or make a favorite dish in honor of your loved one.
- Simplify: If the usual traditions feel overwhelming, scale back. Choose a few meaningful activities instead of trying to do everything.
- Practice Self-Care: Carve out moments to rest, meditate, or enjoy a comforting activity.
- Set Boundaries: Politely decline invitations or traditions that feel too heavy this year.
- Find a Support Network: Lean on trusted friends, family, or grief support groups to share your feelings.
WIB: When is it time to seek professional help? Signs or symptoms?
JGD: I seek to normalize the grieving process and death as a part of the life cycle. As such, I believe any person who is navigating the loss or physical transition of a loved one would benefit from grief counseling in particular. And to answer your question from a clinical lens, there are signs or symptoms typically after 6-12 months of the deceased loved one’s passing that might signal the need for professional help.
- Prolonged inability to function daily.
- Intense guilt or anger that feels unmanageable.
- Withdrawal from social interactions or refusal to engage in meaningful activities.
- Persistent numbness or emotional disconnection.
- Substance abuse or self-harming behaviors.
- Physical symptoms like chronic pain, headaches, or insomnia without clear cause.