By Dr. Portia Lockett, Contributing Writer
From the moment we are born, we know that there is a 100 percent chance we will die.
What we are not clear of is we do not know when and how. When you are the caregiver of someone that you love dearly, such as caring for a parent, sibling, child or significant other, there may be a moment when you experience anticipatory grief. That person has been diagnosed with some incurable, chronic disease, Alzheimer’s, or natural stages of aging. Some individuals have such a challenge, accepting the fact that these persons may transition at some point. They are grieving that these individuals will never live lives as they used to, they can no longer be mobile or have conversations that are meaningful, so it causes the person who is in the caregiving position to grieve in a way that they have never imagined.
It can additionally be a scenario where two adult children that see the situation from a different point of view. One simply may recognize that the parents are truly declining, and there needs to be plans put in place to deal with the inevitable. On the other hand, the other sibling is in denial and they think that their parents are going to live forever, so they wish not to entertain the conversation about future planning the inevitable. This causes friction amongst the family, especially when these two individuals for whatever reason cannot seem to be on the same page.
Then there is the scenario of having a child with special needs and one parent has given up all of life’s dreams and plans in order to ensure a child that is now an adult has the best quality of life. They often find themselves angry at the situation and takes out their frustration on the other parent and children. No one can do what needs to be done like them so they deny assistance of any sort. They even refuse to have a conversation of the inevitable of one day them not being present. The conversation for future planning is constantly dismissed.
It is also possible to find yourself in a caregiving situation where nothing has been formalized. After living with and caring for a loved one for decades, you might find yourself in a position where you are now responsible for their care as they approach the end of life, yet you have no legal authority to make decisions regarding their healthcare. Adding another layer of complexity, there may be adult children involved who were previously absent from their parents’ lives, avoiding responsibility and harboring unresolved issues. Now, with the possibility of financial gain, they suddenly want to assert control. As a result, you may be excluded from any decision-making processes, leaving you sidelined and your role as caregiver abruptly ended.
Navigating the complex emotions of caregiving and grief can be overwhelming. Here are some strategies to help individuals heal, find hope, and move forward in their journey:
- Acknowledge Your Feelings:
Recognize and accept your emotions, whether they are anger, sadness, guilt, or relief. Suppressing these feelings can hinder healing.
- Seek Support:
Professional Help: Consider talking to a therapist, counselor, or grief support group. Professionals can offer a safe space to process your emotions and provide coping strategies.
Support Groups: Connecting with others who are in similar caregiving or grieving situations can offer validation and a sense of community.
- Set Boundaries:
Establish emotional and physical boundaries to protect your well-being. This may involve limiting contact with toxic family members or stepping back from caregiving duties when possible.
- 4. Practice Self-Compassion:
Be kind to yourself and avoid self-blame. Remember that you did your best under challenging circumstances.
- Engage in Self-Care:
Prioritize activities that rejuvenate you, such as exercise, meditation, journaling, or creative hobbies. Taking care of your physical and mental health is crucial.
- Create a New Routine:
After caregiving ends, finding a new daily routine can help provide structure and a sense of purpose. Engage in activities that you may have set aside, or explore new interests.
- Focus on the Positive Impact:
Reflect on the positive contributions you made as a caregiver, even if the outcome was not as you hoped. Recognize the love and support you provided.
- Plan for the Future:
Consider creating a legacy project, such as a memory book or a charitable activity, in honor of the loved one you cared for. This can be a meaningful way to keep their memory alive while helping you to heal.
- Address Family Dynamics:
If family conflicts arise, consider mediation or facilitated conversations to address unresolved issues. If reconciliation is not possible, focus on what you can control—your own healing and boundaries.
- Practice Acceptance and Forgiveness:
Work towards accepting the things you cannot change, including the behaviors and decisions of others. Forgiveness, whether of yourself or others, can be a powerful step in letting go and moving forward.
Each individual’s journey is unique, so it is important to find what resonates most with you. Healing is a gradual process, and it is okay to take one day at a time.
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